looney.

so recently, i have had quite a bit of time to myself. it's funny because i have always been one to thrive in the quiet. i find joy in silence. even when i'm with people i value those quiet moments. i think one of the greatest indicators of a good friend is when you can sit in a car or be in each other's presence and say nothing. being together is simply enough. filling up the quiet with endless chatter just isn't necessary. now don't get me wrong, on any given day i can be a motor mouth with the best of them (really, just ask kailey). but i've always been recharged by the quiet moments in my life.

but while the quiet is usually so fulfilling for me, recently i have become acutely aware that when it's quiet, i'm usually alone. now this may seem like a pretty obvious observation to some, but it has seemed pretty profound to me. usually it's during these times that it becomes pretty easy for me to get lost in my own thoughts and world. so essentially i've come to 2 conclusions:

the first is that i don't think i enjoy quiet as much as i once did. i think that i still need it from time to time so that i can relax and recharge, but i think i'm coming to realize that pretty soon, my life will consist of nothing but quiet. we are all going our separate ways soon enough, and then my world will be quieter than i've known it to be for a very long time.

the second is how much i love my kitty. ok, this sounds lame and kind of crazy cat lady-esque and know that i almost backspaced and didn't include it in my little revelations, but it really is true. let me explain. luna is ALWAYS excited to see me when i come home. she meows and sprints for the door as soon as she hears me. anytime i'm sitting down, she's no more than 3 feet away from me. she spoons with me when i sleep (and i must say i never thought i would enjoy being the big spoon), and she follows me from room to room making sure that she has a constant tab on what i'm up to. she's here when no one else is. and might i add she's slightly crazy, so she does ridiculously weird and funny things that i am often fortunate enough to catch on camera. despite what a little freak she is, i love her, and she really does make me feel like i'm not as lonely when everyone else is away.

so while i am so thankful for great friends and yes, i'm still grateful to have quiet time, it's also nice to have a little snuggly buddy around that's never mad at you (except when i put her in her kennel to take her somewhere), annoyed by you, or trying to look for someone better or more interesting than you.

so as it turns out, i know nothing.

it's a strange journey, the last semester of college. what i have always thought would be the most exciting and defining moments of my college years have turned out to be the most uncertain, unsettling, and without a doubt the most unplanned moments instead. i'm still grappling with the fact that graduation day is quickly approaching and it seems that life's uncertainty is racing to my doorstep.

for anyone that knows me, it is no surprise to hear that i am a planner. i live life logically, doing my best to foresee every step that i take. it comes in handy when a plan is necessary, but is also one of my greatest weaknesses. an uncertain future is anything but thrilling to me.

i've always thought i was way ahead of the curve, knowing exactly what i was going to do after i graduated. i never had to worry about the path that i would take, or finding what i loved and believed in. i already knew.

it was kids. it was teaching. and i loved it. and i believed in it.

for a person with a plan, i felt so blessed that i had figured it out. i was set. now i could coast. WRONG. oh man was i wrong. i have the the ever-crumbling state of our economy and the biggest budget cuts our public education system have ever seen to thank for leaving me and every other recent college graduate high and dry.

so now, i'm in a situation i've never been in before.

i have options.

oh sweet lord. that's terrifying. it sucks that i know what i love and what i so desperately want to do and may not be able to get my foot in the door for a few years. so what do i do?

well, my masters is always an option. but really? more school already?

subbing is the most sensible option, but unfortunately, while supporting myself, it may be extremely difficult to sub considering i will also have to get a job i can depend on for an income to pay my bills.

or i could go overseas. is it possible that i could leave everything i know, including my mom whom i depend on for basically all of my emotional needs? while it's so incredibly scary, it could also be the best, most stretching, most character building thing i could ever do.

i talked to my mom for a long time today about how scary this point in life is. truthfully, i don't know what i want anymore. and really, i don't know anything. whoa. that sucks.

but my mother is probably the most incredible woman that i know. if any one person will encourage me to do exactly what i want to do, and remind me that we don't always get what we want when we want (thank you, rolling stones), it would be my mother. she reminded me that while there are hundreds of other teachers, just like me, that will be searching for jobs this year and that truthfully there is absolutely nothing that sets me apart from any of them, GOD knows exactly where i need to be. it's true, every job won't be perfect for me. God never promised to give me that. but my mom helped remind me that i do have faith that God will put me exactly where he wants me.

i may not know much, and i may have no freaking idea where i will be come august, but for the first time, it's kind of exciting. thanks God, for making life uncertain and sometime sscary. because really, if i had my way and everything went according to plan, the world would be a very boring place.

oh and thanks God, for my mom. she's pretty great.

oh how good my God is.

okay so i'm just sitting at school right now...there are papers to grade and a unit to plan, copies to make and overheads to create. even still, i am just sitting at my desk, writing on my blog, which by the way is totally not something i should be doing right now. the room is dark without the sun peaking in through the windows. it is a wall of white outside and the windows are letting the cold air slowly seep into my classroom. it is completely quiet, except for my growling tummy, because like an idiot, i forgot my lunch at home. but it is here of all places that i stumbled upon an enormous feeling of peace.

in this immense quiet, in this peaceful place, i realized how good my God is. i don't know what it was, maybe it's been the gift of laughter that my first three periods have given me. maybe it's the quieting of my heart for the first time in awhile, but at this very moment i am blown away by my God. he is SO GOOD.

thanks God, for letting me teach. i love kids. i love laughing. i LOVE teaching.