it's a strange journey, the last semester of college. what i have always thought would be the most exciting and defining moments of my college years have turned out to be the most uncertain, unsettling, and without a doubt the most unplanned moments instead. i'm still grappling with the fact that graduation day is quickly approaching and it seems that life's uncertainty is racing to my doorstep.
for anyone that knows me, it is no surprise to hear that i am a planner. i live life logically, doing my best to foresee every step that i take. it comes in handy when a plan is necessary, but is also one of my greatest weaknesses. an uncertain future is anything but thrilling to me.
i've always thought i was way ahead of the curve, knowing exactly what i was going to do after i graduated. i never had to worry about the path that i would take, or finding what i loved and believed in. i already knew.
it was kids. it was teaching. and i loved it. and i believed in it.
for a person with a plan, i felt so blessed that i had figured it out. i was set. now i could coast. WRONG. oh man was i wrong. i have the the ever-crumbling state of our economy and the biggest budget cuts our public education system have ever seen to thank for leaving me and every other recent college graduate high and dry.
so now, i'm in a situation i've never been in before.
i have options.
oh sweet lord. that's terrifying. it sucks that i know what i love and what i so desperately want to do and may not be able to get my foot in the door for a few years. so what do i do?
well, my masters is always an option. but really? more school already?
subbing is the most sensible option, but unfortunately, while supporting myself, it may be extremely difficult to sub considering i will also have to get a job i can depend on for an income to pay my bills.
or i could go overseas. is it possible that i could leave everything i know, including my mom whom i depend on for basically all of my emotional needs? while it's so incredibly scary, it could also be the best, most stretching, most character building thing i could ever do.
i talked to my mom for a long time today about how scary this point in life is. truthfully, i don't know what i want anymore. and really, i don't know anything. whoa. that sucks.
but my mother is probably the most incredible woman that i know. if any one person will encourage me to do exactly what i want to do, and remind me that we don't always get what we want when we want (thank you, rolling stones), it would be my mother. she reminded me that while there are hundreds of other teachers, just like me, that will be searching for jobs this year and that truthfully there is absolutely nothing that sets me apart from any of them, GOD knows exactly where i need to be. it's true, every job won't be perfect for me. God never promised to give me that. but my mom helped remind me that i do have faith that God will put me exactly where he wants me.
i may not know much, and i may have no freaking idea where i will be come august, but for the first time, it's kind of exciting. thanks God, for making life uncertain and sometime sscary. because really, if i had my way and everything went according to plan, the world would be a very boring place.
oh and thanks God, for my mom. she's pretty great.
No comments:
Post a Comment